Liberalrag’s Blog

Democrats had extraordinary success on November 4th.  Progressives, liberals, and the moderate-left all had reason to crow.  The last two election cycles have seen the Democrats win both houses of Congress, increase their controlling majorities, win the Presidency, and ensure some very important appointments to the Supreme Court and federal judiciary.  But, one group comprising our suddenly vocal majority has been left in the wilderness to fend for themselves.  The group, even mentioned in Barack Obama’s victory speech on election night, suffered stunning defeats all across the country on election day.  Gays and lesbians, while better off with Obama as President instead of John McCain, lost every place their rights were jeopardized. 

California, Arizona, and Florida voters all passed constitutional amendments banning gay marriage.  Arkansas voters prohibited same-sex couples from adopting children.  While Democrats partied all last week, gays and lesbians were left to protest silently and vocally on the streets of California.  That left the right-wing religious fringe to claim that social issues should still be at the top of their agenda.  That agenda was backed by minorities traditionally oriented to the Democratic party, yet they voted against equal rights for all. 

Now, Sarah Palin, George W. Bush, Jerry Falwell, Rush Limbaugh and their ilk believe they can continue to use the issue to wedge their way back into power in 2012.  They will once again claim that gays and lesbians wish to hijack society’s most fundamental and important institution.  They argue same-sex nuptials will turn marriage into a mockery of structured human interaction that underlies the basic precepts of our culture.  Emergency calls for a Constitutional Amendment will be sounded by the Christian right.  I must say, there arguments are starting to win me over.

Since California began allowing same-sex individuals to exchange marriage vows, I have conducted a plethora of non-scientific research into the phenomenon precipitating the downfall of western civilization and “straight” unions.  In my unscientific poll, a full 51% of people I asked have divorced.  That doesn’t include my friend Frank, who has married and divorced four times.  That 51% figure is a drastic increase from the 50% I have heard thrown around in the liberal mainstream media.  Perhaps that increase is attributable to the couple down the street that was constantly bickering about her incessant need for him to spend his nights at home, rather than out parading about town with his beer drinking “buddy.”  Obviously, she didn’t believe his claims that the relationship with his “buddy” was purely platonic.  Additionally, opposite-sex couples are not marrying as quickly or frequently as they once did.  Remember when Britney Spears made headlines with her impromptu walk down a Las Vegas aisle which she quickly annulled a few days later?  Then, she married again a short time later.  And, divorced again.  I haven’t witnessed anything similar since gays and lesbians started demanding entry into our “marriage club.”

I have also heard rumors of men who are now deliberately antagonistic toward their wives.  Horror stories abound of men watching sports into the late hours of the night, leaving underwear on the floor, not performing tasks on their “honey-do” lists, and refusing to wear deodorant on the weekends.  I even heard about one guy who started a new website to reverse a universal teaching all men have implanted into their brains from birth.  His new website, www.leave/the/toilet/seat/upright.com, points out that half the occupants in traditional marriages are male.  Therefore, he believes, toilet seats should remain in the standing position for the resident standing bathroom visitor.  His inspiration?  Gay couples!  “Imagine the lack of conflict around the bathroom in those marriages,” he is quoted as saying the website.  His wife divorced him just a few days ago.  We are closing in on 52%. 

Yet, there is more.  Women are being influenced by their lesbian sisters as well.  I called a large adult-superstore this past week to ascertain whether they have noticed any changes, since gays and lebians have been able to tie the knot.  According to Jenny, Lead Sales Representative, toys intended to replace the male anatomy have been flying off the shelves.  According to Jenny, “Married women of all shapes and sizes have been coming in non-stop.  They tell me they just found out women no longer need men for a fulfilling marriage and sex life.”  Apparently, sales are up across the country.  This particular store has noticed increased sales of 200% in the past year alone.  Another website, this one started by a sex-starved woman in New Jersey, began collecting signatures for a petition she plans on sending to Congress.  Her site, www.marry/your/toy.com, seeks to give women the right to replace those no-good, beer-drinking, sports-watching husbands with their new accouterment. 

Furthermore, I think the backlash against gay and lesbian marriage is manifesting itself in other areas as well.  Has anyone notices the increased strength of hurricanes over the past few years?  GAYS!!  Oil, gas, and commodity prices exploding?  LESBIANS!!  Global warming?  Economic disaster?  Come on!  Of course, it’s gays and lesbians.  Any day now, I anticipate hearing about that big expected California earthquake that will drop the modern-day Sodom and Gomorrah, San Francisco, right into the ocean. 

Can a federal Constitutional amendment save us from self destruction?  I tend to think it’s too late.  We are too far down the path of sin and decadence.  Bibles are exploding.  Rush Limbaugh and Pat Robertson are haranguing.  Those bastions of all that is moral and right, Alabama and Mississippi, are threatening to secede from the Union.  The country is teetering on the cusp of total moral and economic decay.  All my free time is now spent keeping my wife away from Jenny and ensuring all toilet seats have been locked in their downright position.  I guess I’m guilty of still liking my wife.  Look for further research on this topic in the future at my website, www.not/that/there/is/anything/wrong/with/that.com.